Only positive language

Believe it or not, I first came across this principle as a new parent reading a book about how to bring up happy and confident children. The book suggested that the majority of human behavior is driven from the unconscious mind; this means you don't always have to think about something consciously in order to perform an action. For example, things like tying your shoelaces or brushing your teeth are unconscious actions; you don't need to consciously think about each discrete step to perform the whole sequence. These are what we refer to as habits or learned behaviors. Interestingly, the unconscious mind doesn't seem to respond too well to the concept of negatives; do this quick exercise now in order to illustrate the point:

Note

Make a Note

For the next five seconds, DO NOT think about a blue tree.

Pretty tough isn't it?

You have to think about it in order not to think about it. My guess is that you either saw a picture of a blue tree in your mind or repeated the words "blue tree" in your head.

Put another way, when a tightrope artist crosses the high wire, do you think they visualize themselves not falling to the ground and becoming Paper Mache, or do you think they visualize themselves crossing the wire successfully with poise, calmness, and balance? Positive thoughts, sounds, and images about what to do are much more useful than what not to do when giving human beings instructions.

Subsequently, my children have been raised with instructions such as:

• "Share nicely please"

• "Be gentle with your sister"

• "Take your plate to the kitchen please"

And with the exception of extremely messy bedrooms, the strategy has been a success. So, giving helpful and positive feedback in the workplace should consist of messages to re-enforce existing good practices, such as:

• "You used lots of color and images in that presentation; do more of that in your next one"

• "I noticed how you greeted those customers by shaking each of their hands and holding eye contact for a few seconds; carry on doing that"

• "Thanks for staying late to finish the Briggs report Anita, the MD saw and mentioned it"

Conversely, have you heard any of the following negative instructions given out in the workplace, or perhaps even received them yourself? Re-write them using only positive language that achieves the same end result (go on then, I'll do the first one for you):

• "Don't get nervous when you speak to…"

Becomes:

• "Just remain calm and composed when you speak to…"

Now try these yourself:

• "Don't forget to phone…"

• "Don't hesitate to get back to me…"

• "Don't get angry the next time…"

• "WET PAINT – DO NOT TOUCH" (we've all ignored that one!)

Now I'm not suggesting that the rules of good parenting apply directly to being an excellent manager (see what I did there?), but I have heard that being a manager is like running an adult day-care center sometimes