How can introverts and extroverts misunderstand each other?
What is the real difference between an introvert and an extrovert? It is simply how a person finds their energy. How we get energy is not a reason for communication problems.
Several years ago my husband and I were interviewed by the Wall Street Journal. In that editorial When Innies Love Outies: How Odd Couples Cope, the author, Elizabeth Bernstein, quotes another author and psychologist Laurie Helgoe, "What looks like communication can actually be a problem." As the quieter introvert seems to be listening, an extrovert can take that as a cue to keep on talking.
This interpretation of listening invites a communication problem of interpreting listening in different ways. Listening for many introverts means "I'm thinking this over, and give me a few moments to reply," but to the other often more extroverted person it may mean "Great. I must fill the silence with more talking."
Often when networking with my husband he will introduce me to someone and then go on his way. Since I am quite comfortable with silence, I listen a lot, and more to understand than to respond. When I do respond I ask questions either for clarification or out of curiosity. Frequently some time after such an event my husband tells me that John, Judy, or whoever he introduced me to complimented me. When I ask about what it is almost always, they said you were a wonderful person to talk with.
This is the other side of the interpretation of effective listening.
Communication myths
Misunderstandings contribute to communication mismatch. A communication mismatch between an introvert and extrovert may mean a lack of understanding of the preferences to think before speaking which many introverts do, versus speaking being thinking out loud, which many extroverts do.
If left unchecked misunderstandings can become a myth. We want to free ourself of any myth that may have an incorrect hold on us. If as an introvert we are going to find our voice in any business situation, then believing a myth will keep us stuck. Be certain to know a myth from the truth. Here are some common myths:
Introverts don't like to talk: Being quieter does not mean as introverts that we are shy or unknowledgeable. It is more usual that we are thinking before we speak. More often than not, we listen to understand and then speak to be understood.
Some people may be prompted to believe this myth upon first meeting someone more introverted because small talk is not something comfortable for many introverts. It is fast moving but not necessarily fulfilling. Most introverts seek the more meaningful conversation and often feel the bridge to get there; small talk, is not worthwhile.
Introverts have difficulty knowing what to say: This might mean being mistaken for a shy person. While shyness is a social anxiety, introverts do, however, speak their mind.
To someone who does not understand the introvert preference, what seems like a quiet demeanor, is usually more of taking time to think something through for its usefulness in the conversation.
Introverts are anti-social: Can we agree that both introverts and extroverts can listen, converse, remember someone's name, and give feedback, all of which show they are being attentive? We develop our personal social side by developing interpersonal skills and techniques in many situations in life.
If your co-worker is declining an invitation to happy hour fun after hours, it is more likely that they need to charge up their personal energy than it is they are anti-social.
Introverts can fix their problems by becoming more like an extrovert: Introvert, extrovert, and ambivert are natural, brain-wired temperaments. Each style has its own strengths. It's more a situation of fixing the communication problems, not the people.
What works best for most people is not to become more like someone else or something else but instead to be the best version of themselves in any situation.
